Tag Archives: self care

Checking in

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I have not been doing as well as I would like when it comes to my personal goals in this new year. So far I am finding myself coming up against the same frustrations of not enough quiet time in this very crowded two bedroom apartment. My very soon to be five year old is as energetic as ever and that wonderful, curious energy is demanding. My teen has her own demands, as does my mother, especially as we balance cooking, cleaning, and caring for each other’s feelings as we deal with some tough issues in the family. My dear baby sister, whom I love, has her own demands and she doesn’t even live here.
I haven’t been writing like I should, like I promised myself I would.

I have taken some time to assess some these frustrations and how many of them are of my own making. I am not good at saying no. I am not good at drawing lines around my needs. Watching my mother in her role of information carrier regarding the state of my very sick aunt, I can easily see where I learned this behavior. We give until we are so emotionally exhausted that we shut down and shut out.

For me alot of this comes from feeling like I don’t deserve to take space/time for myself. I placed myself in this role of young single mother twice so I should deal. What the role of a big sister/older daughter is and should do is followed as if in a script, not according to my vision of how these positions should play out in a way that feels good. I even see it in my relationship with my partner. A few weeks ago it actually pained me to tell him I couldn’t do something because I was writing. I actually apologized and even as I did it it felt excessive and unnecessary.

Awareness is only one part of this. Changing patterns and rebuilding relationships around a different way of playing your roles in life is a completely different matter. I am working on it.

Y Este Cuerpecito

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First off mil gracias for all the love, concern, emails, etc.

The good news is rent is paid for the month (and maybe even for next month), the children have food, the electricity isn’t gonna get shut off anymore and my phone is working.

I still have to pay my gas bill pero I have the funds to do that, just haven’t done it yet cuz well my body and soul are tired.

As I was thinking about this latest crisis, I was thinking of how much my body, heart, and soul have been through over the last months. The deaths of two loved ones. The critical illness of another. Heartbreak and drama, partially via my own hand, and struggling to make it all work while saying yes yes yes to a million projects that I don’t get paid for pero I do porque it’s what I do, I help, I listen, I take care pero I don’t always take such good care of myself.
And these last few months, between internet drama, the AMC, Netroots Nation, and this latest survival shit, I have become much more aware of how poorly I take care of myself. So I’m gonna try and be a little easier on my body and soul and it’s a theme that has come up alot recently with other mamis I have been talking with. How do we do this in community? How do make outselves not check up on each other pero make each other check ourselves. Stop. How are you feeling? What hurts? What is troubling you? What is blocking you?

The other day in an email conversation with some mamis the idea came to me of videos, video check ins, loving reminders for ourselves to tale care of ourselves a little better. This could mean checking what we are eating, how we are sleeping, are we creating (not working- creating there is a difference- the four fragments of poetry staring me down now keep reminding me. Maybe we just need a good orgasm (seriously don’t underestimate what this can do for your mood).

I don’t want to give myself another project pero it’s an idea I have that I will get to eventually.

For now, I need to finish my laundry and return some of the beautiful emails from so many of my hermanas that are sitting in my inbox.

besos
xoxo
M.