I started the new year in a very strange place, in my ex’s apartment. I really didn’t have any plans an thought it would be better than spending the new year alone with my kids, as I had the year before. Plus el chileno had come to casa mala for my Christmas Eve dinner. It was/is important to me that he spend time with poroto and vice versa. Plus Mala can’t say no to free wine.
Pero to say that it was easy or rather an uncomplicated new year would be dishonest. I think I had expectations and he did as well. With the court system out of our hair, we’ve been getting along better. We’ve been friendly, shared meals and drinks. Pero I worry that he thinks or hopes that we will get back together. It could have been the wine pero there were signs and moves that led me to believe this, and I feel bad if I opened myself to this. Lo quiero si, pero quiero estar con el and to be honest no creo that I want to be with anyone right now. I survived a year of single mami’hood revisited and now am actually quite peaceful and calm having my little apartment and having time to myself and my chicas.
But I also started the new year with expectations. I was secretly waiting for something to happen that didn’t. I understand why it didn’t happen pero that doesn’t mean it wasn’t disappointing, saddening even. Pero there’s a lesson in that and in this last year. I can accept it and roll with it.
This year I haven’t made any real resolutions. On New Year’s Eve another poet/amigo asked when I was going to publish a book, since he’s heard me reading for at least 5 years (and I’ve been writing for more). So I am going to gather poems and work on that and quizas gather my thoughts mejor on my mami’hood book. Those are the most pressing of book projects (I have multiple ones). I also want to not limit myself because I am worried about childcare and money. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that things do work out when they are supposed to and how they are supposed to. Pero there were many opportunities I didn’t take advantage of because I “knew” that I didn’t have money to travel or someone to stay with my children. Then I would feel resentful and angry when I saw other people taking those same opportunities. So I’m jumping in and trusting that what will be will and should be.
On the same track I am trying to be more creative, well rather feed my creativity on a daily basis in some way. So far I am planning collages, have started a poem, and went to a museum and today is only the 4th day of the year.
And dating. Towards the end of last year I started dating again pero besides going on dates with two people (hola cuz I know they may be reading), I also want to date myself, take myself places, hacer cosas. I have spent alot of time waiting, expecting, hoping and now I just want to do it my damn self. No mas waiting. I am open. I wouldn’t change the past and may even repeat things I have done pero I’m also ready pa’lo nuevo. Bring it.
Video found via / Ultraviolet Underground