Posted by lamamitamala 
Category: If I had written this post last night, when I wanted to, when I was crying with frustration and disgust, it might have read a little differently.
I admit the last few days have been hard enough. I’m PMS’ing, my heart had a momentary lapse and my mother basically told me that I needed to get a real job so I could send la Mapu to a Catholic school, instead of working my ass off out of love writing for VivirLatino, doing important movement building work with SPEAK! and The Sanctuary, poetry, radical tutoring, and mami’ing my hijas the best I can. Apparently that’s not real enough. It certainly isn’t paying me in real enough money to keep up with rent (which I’m still $250 short on) and feeding my kids. Pero it is real enough for national organizations to court me as long as I don’t ask too many questions and it’s real enough for me to be on the radio. Pero it’s not real enough for people who said they would come to a listening party to support something that means alot to me and other hermanas that I love. It’s not real enough for them to visualize my carrying a stroller with a 30 poundish toddler up and down subway stairs, walking miles not for exercise pero so that I don’t have to buy subway fare and can afford milk, walking to change a bag of pennies, thinking of pawning some earrings. It’s real enough for me to go talk to young people about identity, media, gender and race, pero it’s not real enough for people to think it’s important to support what we do beyond a cursory pat on the head for a job well done little spic girl who we can’t even be bothered to name. I have been invited to two national conferences this summer, pero there is no money to get me there and of course the orgs who want my face, my race and my gender can’t be bothered to actually spend money. They will find another woman of color, mami of color, Latino blogger to take my place, one who they deem more worthy because they can pay their own way or because they play the game well, etc etc.
And I know that I and mujeres whom I love something fierce will be told, as usual, to put on our big girl panties, that we are ungrateful, and jealous and under all that the message is that we are not worthy of their money, that we don’t deserve to go to writing workshops or media conferences because I guess well we are not real writers or media makers. And I’m thinking really specifically about the message that was sent to my 11 year old hija who was with me last night, waiting for people. What message did she receive about being a Puerto Rican woman who follows her corazon.
Pero tonite there will be a reading somewhere else, a conversation somewhere else and everyone will buy books and nod their heads at the white woman at appropriate moments, and have their book signed and pose for pictures.
And meanwhile I have never been so close in all my years of doing this to saying fuck it and fuck you.
Tags: blogging, mamihood, SPEAK! Work, writin —
May 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
::fist raised::
May 17th, 2009 at 8:16 am
la mapu experiencing being stood up crushes me, her knowing how hard it was for you to get there, the energy and love that was poured into the cd and listening party and witnessing the dismissal of our voices. that kills me.
and i can’t figure out why people i know, who have heard me talk about the CD for months and who definitely have the money, have not bought it. people who talk about the importance of our work, who USE our work everyday, and they don’t even listen to the cd.
with you and the others always. fuck the rest of em.
May 17th, 2009 at 8:40 am
i hear and support this rant.
i fell into the “real job” trap and am now trying to find the ovaries/strength/vision to make a way out…
i give a fuck.
peace.
May 17th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I read this in the morning and i’m still seething.
May 17th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Omi, gracias for writing. Real jobs can get in the way of shit sometimes. I do hear that, trust me.
May 17th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
hang in there. and if you need to pull back, go ahead. but that really sucks that people didn’t show support.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
So no one came to your listening party last night and now you’re mad because people are going to someone else’s reading a different night? Have you ever considered that no one wants to listen to you moan and wine like this and maybe that’s why they didn’t go to your boring party? No ones likes a martyr except other martyrs. Misery loves company.
May 18th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
reading this hurt me on levels i have tried to cover up and ignore for decades. the pain of realizing all the lip service does not accompany action is often indescribable. disappointment is more powerful than anger sometimes. thank you for writing and following your corazon. you may not realize it, or hear it often, but it has saved lives!
May 19th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Awww see I don’t give a fuck, I guess I feel like fighting today. I want to know if you really don’t give a fuck then why are you even here on my fucking page and without the fucking tetas to use a name that identifies you?
See if you would buy a cd, you would know that I do not just whine and moan and anyway some people like the way way I moan. ;P
May 19th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
If it looks like a duck y it talks like a duck enotnce tu sabes quien es mama. Its la duck. Or una de las amiguitas. Don’t sweat it. You know que esa amargura no es about you. Le sale natural a cierta gente, como el vinagre.
Love you and your sexi fierce self. r
May 19th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
You’re RIght
Fuck off and die you fucking asshole.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
hey criolla mi amorsota……::muah::
May 19th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
“You’re Right” don’t know shit from shinola.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:42 am
[...] My first largely published work will be dedicated to La Mapu and pennies. [...]
May 20th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
“You’re Right,” just because somebody either told you off a while back in a way that embarrassed you for how on point it was when you were acting like an idiot, or made you jealous in the present with how funny, smart, articulate, poetic, and beautiful their words are compared to yours, does not mean that the misery you’re seeking company for can be found in these parts. I think you’re lost and belong back at Pandagon.
May 24th, 2009 at 10:41 am
don’t give up! (I came here from noemi’s blog) I’m confused – the speak CD is not raising enough funds – ya’ll are not going to AMC…?
I know that feeling of family not caring. HELL< I came out with my first book (on a small press) my parents wouldn’t even look at it, wouldn’t even touch it, at my book tour in their town, at an info shop..instead they made small talks with others about taxes and horses..or something.
but that voice is wrong. your fight is the good fight. I love SPEAK. I got 10 copies when it first came out and wanted to put it all out in baltimore, and life got in the way, I didn’t get it out enough, took it to one conference, one bookstore… I need to do more. ( I CAN do more!) its not too late. How do I support you?
china in baltimore
the future generation: a zine for subculture parents, friends, kids & others
May 25th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Hola China and welcome.
I’m not giving up completely not today anyway. ja ja. The cd sales will not cover the travel for all three mamis and their hijos. So we’ll see how we move forward. Pero just tell peeps.
May 25th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Ohhhhh so that’s where that came from. I don’t read Pandagon.
May 25th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
thank you! (for your welcome)
I find this really upsetting. There is still more time, for fundraising, right? I was planning on coming to the AMC for the first time this year.
I feel really depressed how hard it is for single mothers in todays world. (my day was at least before welfare “reform”) I didnt’ go to such conferences when I was raising my daughter, but I didn’t know about them to go to them. I did get to some anarchist gatherings by getting in the van with (child-free) friends and living on toast for the week and losing ten pounds or whatever. I do know the feeling of being left out and left behind. Now my daughter is grown, I want to do something on a different scale, to support mothers and children. Your project, and community support, is something i really believe in.
i blogged a little entry, for whatever its worth on myspace.com/chinamartens
but I want to do more.
best wishes for you and yours,
c
May 27th, 2009 at 8:25 am
[...] has been a lot of pain these past few weeks. a lot. a lot of silencing pain. that is, a pain that makes it hard to speak. hard to remember what to say–hard to remember why any of this matters. the number of times [...]
May 30th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
That’s it, I’m still pretty much broke but I can’t not help. You’ve got to go to AMC! *goes to buy*
(Oh and “you’re right”? you’re wrong)
May 31st, 2009 at 6:02 am
ay broke is my middle name. That’s the goal though mujer. We’ll see. I went last year though so if we don’t raise enough funds to cover all the mamis, I’m ok with giving up my spot so a mami who didn’t go last year can.
May 31st, 2009 at 8:22 am
Mami,
I am with you and I totally agree.
You write from the heart and you do a wonderful job! Someday you will be rewarded for your efforts!
June 1st, 2009 at 8:09 am
Ay thank you Dee.