At my titi’s funeral mass on Monday I was chosen to do the readings porque yes I am a good reader/speaker pero tambien porque I would be the one to not break down, the one to stand in front of the coffin holding my madrina and read without so much as a quiver in my strong voice.
Si, siempre la fuerte, siempre the one to aguantar, to hold pero ya tengo que release and I have decided that tonite will be the noche.
Two deaths of strong influential women in my life within a 40 day period, the same time as Catholic lent, the time of sacrifice and I have sacrificed much. Two women who were always proud of me for my work, my words and how I melded the two together and how through words told mot just my stories but their stories and the stories of so many mujeres.
And the third loss, a loss I initiated, no se why that one seems to hurt the most. Quizas porque la vida sigue en el. Quias porque merezco este dolor since I caused pain to others through my choices. Quizas porue la vida sin mi marcha pa’lante. Quizas porque I wasn’t chosen.
Por eso esta nocho suelto todo. Toda la pena y dolor and regret me lloro y vomito para empezar de cero mañana.
It’s funny. When the new year started, I was on the phone with someone, talking about how hopeful I was for the new year, pero asi no paso. It’s been one loss after another.
I want to start the new year over. Not tonite though. Esta noche tengo mi musica, mi vino, mis cigarilllos y mis penas so that mañana I can start over pero tonite la musica seria nuestra conversacion.