Why We Can’t Ignore Being Ignored or Accused of “Sniping”

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I cannot count the number of times I have sat across a table or beside BlackAmazon, how many times I have texted, emailed, or said on the phone to her “You just need to ignore them. Don’t give them so much of your precious energy”. The conversation has been repeated for as long as I have been on the internet and even before. Who are the voices that get heard and how do they get heard? How can people hear/see me and my experiences.

Before I moved to Los Angeles, one of the last things I did was watch Beasts of the Southern Wild with BA and when it was over the two of just sat next to each other. She was quiet and I was stifling sobs. Not because it was a “great” movie but because the two of us, as two very different women of color felt so much for Quvenzhané Wallis, as a character and most importantly as a little black girl. And we knew, with all the clairvoyance that history and our lived experiences give women of color, what would happen.

Ignore it. Don’t give it your precious energy.

And then #FemFuture

Ignore It. Don’t Give it your precious energy.

But I did. My peeps were talking, writing and responding. It wasn’t that I was jumping on the band wagon. But like WAM! Like Seal Press, all the other invites, tokenizing, reports, books, conferences, blogs non-attribution, lack of solidarity, this was about work love, love work, love and work being diminished, pushed aside, misnamed as hate, jealousy, sniping. This was and is again about selective memory and history.

We can’t ignore it. It is our precious energy.

When I met BFP for the first time I reached out and touched her. I told her “somos carne” – we are real flesh, not just what we choose to write about, share, make money off of, get our degrees on, get grants to present and travel. This is about three mamas, Noemi, Fabi and I, sitting in a room in Detroit, children playing at our feet, eating out of a cooler and us laughing so hard until we cried. Crying so hard until we laughed. It’s about a hand rubbing Rose’s back at a conference table as she spoke in the face of transphobia masked in “good intentions”. It’s about sitting in TK’s living room with her worrying about how her daughter will go to college. It’s about hearing BA sing, watching Nadia recite into a mic, seeing Anna with my teen, witnessing Lex dancing, recording voice with Moya, and chopping vegetables with Adela. It’s about visiting Stacey’s hotel room with cupcakes. Making sure the house has a ramp. Making sure your friend has a bed to sleep on even if it’s in your living room. It’s about Karla and I ordering room service and going to the gym with Jun-Fung. It’s about two Mariposas telling me I belong. It’s about Bianca sending me coffee and giving books to my teen and Lenee introducing la Mapu to Turquoise Jeep.

It’s not new and that gets old. Every few years something will rear it’s ugly head at us and remind us that everything we did and do for each other doesn’t have value in someone else’s version of the future. This is not a debate about “feminism”. I’ve given up on that easily and without an ounce of shame. It’s about how we as women of color, trans people of color, gender non-conforming people of color, our familias, our kids have been making a future everyday online and off.

You can’t ignore our precious energy. It’s what we give unto the world everyday whether we are working long ass low paying hours in retail, getting our Doctorates, making movies, writing poetry, skyping, making websites, breaking or building relationships, curating fashion shows. We are constantly communicating our lives, making media that reflects the path behind us and sets the stones for the road before us.

The future has been here all along. Choosing to ignore that, not cite it is to erase our precious energy that is our very being. And we will not allow it.

We Love Each Other Too Hard.

Single Mami’hood and Sexuality Under (Wed)lock & Key

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Yesterday two states, Michigan and Arizona, held their Republican presidential primaries and my womb apparently is on the campaign trail. At the last GOP debate in Arizona, all of the candidates took a lot of time to blame single mothers, especially brown single mothers, for many problems in the United States. The mainstream media, including a front page New York Times article, has fallen in line attacking single mothers of color and our kids for the poor state of the economy, crime, failing schools and the threat of nuclear weapons in Iran. Ok maybe not what’s happening in Iran but the arguments are just as ridiculous.

This revived attack on brown single mami’hood is just another front of a war of anti-Latino sentiment. It’s root is that same that led to anti-immigrant laws like SB 1070 in Arizona and HB 56 in Alabama. It doesn’t take a big leap to move from targetting anchor babies to calling my being a single mother of two a “social catastrophe”. It’s not hard to say that poor brown people with uteruses shouldn’t choose the type of families they want to create when in some states it has already been determined what books shouldn’t be put in the hands of our youth.

As Bianca Laureano points out one of her recent RH Reality Check columns, the cultural and sexual habits and values of Latin@s are still read through old, racist narratives like Oscar Lewis’s La Vida and  Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s The Negro Family. Rich Lowry, who was given a whole page to trash brown single motherhood in the same issue of TIME that highlights the power the power of the Latino vote, cites the Moynahan report as just the beginning of how a problem of “the underclass” (people of color) has climbed outside the realm of race. In other words, brown loose morals are catching. According to the editor of the National Review (full disclosure : I went to high school with the online editor of the NR), us poor, people of color just aren’t following the example of the upper classes who cling to marriage as a class rite of passage. Marriage, according to Lowry, is a way to climb the social ladder, if only we poor single moms would get on that ladder and find ourselves a good man. Lowry goes so far as to suggest a public service campaign in favor of marriage mobility with First Lady Michelle Obama as its spokeswoman.

There are quite a number of problems with the arguments presented by Lowry and by all who point to single mamis as the downfall of modern society. The whole family model relies on the invented notion of a whole, nuclear family that only really exists in the realm of 1950′s sitoms. I took enough sociology and history classes to know that The good ole days were never that good. The family model we are expected to aspire to leaves out extended families and families of choice including LGBTQ families. The assumption is that because I don’t have a ring on my finger that my kids are not inside a warm, loving home with multiple people caring for them. It assumes that the only legitimate relationship comes with a certificate. It assumes that it is better to be in marriage that contains violence than it is to be single it also assumes that women of color don’t have a right to control their sexuality.

It’s not that women of color have more sex than white women, it’s that the state has always intervened to control when and under what circumstances we will have sex and what the outcomes will be. Slavery, sexual violence via colonialism, forced sterilizations, rape, forced abortions, forced child birth, childbirth in chains, non-consensual medical prosedures and experiments have all been used as ways to control our allegedely uncontrolable sexuality. Women like me, unmarried women who haven’t achieved a certain academic or economic status, women who aren’t white – well we are just expected to keep our knees locked unless told or forced to do otherwise. Enjoyable sexual experiences are not for us.

We, women of color are blamed for having children out of wedlock and then having those children have more children. Forget the fact that according to a recent report by The Guttmacher Institute
the teen pregnancy rate dropped by 37% among Hispanics. The fact that the rates of teen pregnancy among black and Hispanic teens remain 2–3 times as high as that of non-Hispanic white teens isn’t blamed on a failing healthcare system or a failing education system (have you seen what passes for sex ed?). It’s blamed on our hot blooded culture. A large body of research has shown that the long-term decline in teen pregnancy, birth and abortion rates was driven primarily by improved use of contraception among teens. But instead lawmakers like Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) want to pass laws that limit access especially to poor people of color.

I am sure that many would love to use my picture, my life, my story as a poster for what not to do. A Nuyorican twice single mami, without a college degree, struggling financially. It’s easy to give a white man like the editor of the National Review a page in a major magazine about my poor values than to ask someone like me how I am making it. It’s easier to have a major magazine run a feature on how important my vote is as a Latin@ than to confront the reasons why my vote is more important than my right to decide when and what goes in or comes out of my body. It’s easier but that doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t mean that while people are trying to lock my knees together, I should lock my lips.

Mamis Are the Movements : The New Mythos Tour

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Mami is a core part of my identity, my life. It seeps into every letter, every post, everything I breath out and take back in. I am proud to announce that we are a part of The New Mythos Tour that is jumping off next week and ask all VL readers and supporters to extend their love and support as well.

Gloria Anzaldua says: “By creating a new mythos – that is, a change in the way we perceive reality, the way we see ourselves, and the ways we behave – la mestiza creates a new consciousness. The work of mestiza consciousness is to break down the subject/object duality that keeps her prisoner and to show in the flesh and through the images in her work how duality is transcended. The answer to the problem between the white race and the colored, between males and females, lies in healing the split that originates in the very foundation of our lives, our culture, our languages, our thoughts. A massive uprooting of dualistic thinking in the individual and collective consciousness is the beginning of a long struggle, but one that could, in our best hopes, bring us to the end of rape, of violence, of war.”

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Who’s Your Mama : Event at Food for Thought in Amherst on November 13th

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Cross-posted from VivirLatino

223I met the organizer of this event, TK, at the Allied Media Conference this past summer. Another amazing mami media maker puts together an amazing event. Those in the Amherst area represent and support.

NOVEMBER 13, 2009 * 7PM
Food for Thought Books

Please join us for a very special evening of women’s voices and responses to benefit To Tell you the Truth. Featuring Who’s Your Mama: Unsung Voices of Women and Mothers (Edt. by Yvonne Byone) Contributors: JLove Calderon (We Got Issues!/ That White Girl), Marcella Runell Hall Hall (Hip Hop Education Guidebook) and Marla Teyolia (Empowered Mama!). On site childcare provided.

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A Favorite Latina on the Web Needs Our Support

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Crossposted from VivirLatino:

I’m really honored that Guanabee named yours truly one of their favorite Latinas on the web.

Some deal explicitly with Latino issues, some don’t. Some are funny, some are creative, some are activists, all are uniquely amazing, inspiring women who, we think, are some of the best at what they do.

I am especially honored by some of my company on the list, including dear mami amiga, Noemi Martinez of Hermana Resist. As a single mami media maker, I appreciate what Noemi does and understand the struggle it is to express yourself in a given medium with no source of funding and with kids yelling, learning, laughing and getting sick as your background soundtrack. Which is why I am asking you to help my mami hermana.

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The Story of Angeline Hassell : The Double Victimization of Survivor’s of Domestic Violence

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Cross-Posted at VivirLatino

Angeline Hassell’s struggle to assert her mami rights and her struggle against violence perpetuated first by her partner than by the family court system here in NYC is something I’ve posted on before.

Here’s Angeline, in her own words, with her own voice speaking about domestic violence and not from a place of theory but from her own personal experience. Angeline goes back to court here in Queens, NYC on October 19th.

Voices Against Violence Zine

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Call out for Submissions

Voices Against Violence Zine is accepting submissions for our next issue. Please send in your essays, poetry, letters, personal accounts, artwork & photography to be included.

What is the Voices Against Violence Zine? A small zine-diy style, with work from people of color, indigenous folks, trans people & queer survivors of domestic violence, sexual violence and sexual assault. Included topics can be: healing from trauma, transformative words used as a healing mechanism, enabling healing, life after trauma, self-help guides/resources, self-healing, dancing as means to healing, healing through narration, forgiveness (do we need it?), & collective trauma.

Voices Against Violence zine is to be used as a community teaching tool, as a jump off for discussion and creative outlet and for conversations that need to happen.

Voices Against Violence is part of Café Revolución.

Send submissions in English, Spanish, tex-mex, spanglish or any combination* via email, either in text in the body of the email or attached in .txt format to noemi.mtz (at) gmail dot com.

In the subject enter voices against violence submission. Include a brief bio, your mailing address, website if any. Mention your zine or any upcoming projects you’d like. If you prefer to remain anonymous, let me know or include a pen name. Email any photos, artwork as an attachment.

deadline: Oct. 31st *translations would be cool but not necessary.

forward and repost! thx

Via / Hermana Resist

Letting Go Con Amor

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This seems to be a recurring theme for me these past few days. I believe in mensajes y señales, some sent to me from ancestors in my dreams, some sent to me in emails and the actions of others. People placed in my path pero their placement isn’t a guarantee of anything, not of love, not of continuity, not of support. Lessons and then what we take from them and how we move forward.

For me it comes down to prioritizing now. I need to prioritize my survival. That goes beyond the pressing need for a roof over my head and the head of my children, how I will pay the bills, feed the hungry mouths attached to growing bodies. There are some relationships that will shift, shift into places I may not want them to go pero want has little to do with sobrevivencia. Getting through also means tiempo for words, pen on papel, and learning how take care of my corazoncito that at times is too generous and too hopeful for it’s own good.

Mercury is in retrograde and apparently this is supposed to meddle in the way things are communicated, put out to be heard and interpreted. Listening is an art of translation I have learned, tied to personal histories and things that are more often not said, pero shown, through movement and arte. No se if it’s too easy to blame the estrellas and planetary alignment for my dreams, which have involved me traveling and revealing deceptions that feel like politeness. Pero I don’t want niceties any more. Diplomacy is overrated. I ask for realness, honesty, even if it hurts yourself or another.

No one said this shit was easy.

Y Una Luz Pequena Abre Un Nuevo Camino con Cancion de Paloma

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The last few days have been a special kind of hell. Last night, when el chileno dropped off la poroto, and I considered that I might not take care of her, he seemed a little too eager to help in that way, in taking my hija off my hands. Quizas my mother and sister were right with their gut reactions.

Pero all throughout the day, small gifts came in that allowed me to pay towards my electricity and buy food for casa mala. Someone bought me a metrocard so I wouldn’t have to walk everywhere like I have been doing for weeks (even though I actually like the walking). Y despues, ni voy a llamar lo milagro. No porque to call it a miracle doesn’t give it the place it deserves. blessing? Yes, because I feel that we are given signs and people placed in our path and opening new paths for a reason. Every single person and conversation is a lesson in love, giving and receiving it.

For the last two days I have been crying off and on. Trying to put a good face on for las nenas. La Mapu understands all of this a little better and took a break from casa mala and mamita mala stress and stayed with my mom last night, pero I wish she was here. Last night I cried out of relief, joy, gratitude and love.

Familia, yes familia is my blood family. My sister trying to help me find a more sustainable living situation in terms of work and home. My mom trying so hard not to judge and helping me with la mapu. And chosen familia, familia that you meet and instantly fall in love with because their hearts and souls are just so beautiful. So many of you here are my chosen familia. Showing me love and support in ways I was told I didn’t deserve. So thank you.

For now casa mala remains casa mala, with working electricity and a working phone and a working heart that doesn’t feel so beat the fucking down. I still need to figure out long term how I will do this survival game. I still need a more sustainable work, living, childcare situation pero I have some room to just stop and breath.

And I owe some peeps the biggest wedding gift, ever!!!!

Abrazos
M