Category Archives: blogging

Loving my Self From the Inside out

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One of the things I have been working on during the new year is loving myself more.

Not in “that” way, although that could be part of it.

What this has meant is confronting some of my blocks, patterns, and behaviors.

One thing I have been doing is getting better at expressing my needs and saying no. Sometimes this leads to arguments and there are some people that I have issues drawing boundaries with because of trauma and fear of violence. I am confronting relationships I pushed aside because of resentments and I am working on being clear in my current relationships. A work in progress but a work.

I have been paying attention to my voice – that running conversation I have with myself everytime I do something. My voice usually is telling me there is never enough time, I’m not educated enough, cute enough, worthy enough and a million and one other scripts it learned from not the easiest of childhoods/adulthoods. This voice has led me to do alot of shit half assed and not follow through. So I have been working on developing new scripts : telling myself that I do have enough time etc. and so on. And not to sound cheesy but it does help.
With some loving encouragement I submitted two fellowship applications based on a long history of media and mami worklife. Even if I don’t get the fellowships, the process of stepping back and looking at my lifework was extremely empowering and affirmative.
I’m ready to apply for another fellowship this week and even managed to draft a comprehensive outline for a dream book project that had been eluding me for years….YEARS.

I have been paying closer attention to what I put inside me. I’m not unhealthy but I have noticed that I eat out of boredom and when I am stressed. I am trying to make better food choices and also exercise more (which I have been terrible at).

I am confronting fears about my own health. The last time I got a check up of any kind was when I had poroto five years ago! Being uninsured and broke hasn’t helped but I did take the baby step of making an appointment to get a full gyn check up. Given how so many cancers run in my family, especially among women, and given a history of the state telling women in my family what they could/should do with their bodies, this simple task actually took alot of emotional/inner effort. The appointment isn’t cheap (175) but I can get financial help if I can prove my brokeassness, which is also stressful but I need to do it.

So those are most of the things I have been thinking about, working on, working with.

Notice blogging isn’t on the list. Not sure what to do with that/this part of my life.

2011 Losses and Gains

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2011 was a tough year for my family and me. I really struggled financially, culminating in painfully choosing to move out of our little Corona apartment, Casa Mala. I just couldn’t afford it anymore no matter how hard I tried to move money around. The constant battle against rising rent and utilities was taking a toll on my mental and emotional health. I found myself, over and over again making choices between gas and electricity, internet and food. At one point we even went without gas for a few months. It was easier to let it go.

Two other things that I let go of, were the the physical bodies of two of my great aunts who passed from this earth this past year. Titi Elena, or Titi Chacho as my Tio Ruben liked to call her just to annoy the hell out of her, struggled with her health this past year. My sister and mother were lucky enough to be able to see her and the part of our family in Ohio that cared for her, before she died. I carry fond memories of her from my many childhood stays in Long Island. Titi Geno was just shy of her 100th birthday when she passed away in her sleep. She was never seriously ill and retained so many vivid memories of early 20th century life in Western Puerto Rico where she grew up with my grandmother and other great aunts. She would tell us about seeing the first car on the island and offer an eyewitness account of the violent economic shift that U.S. colonialism contributed to, especially in the sugarcane fields where many of my family members labored with machetes in hand. Titi is a very special title in my family and it makes me sad that there are two less but they gave so much for me to carry forward.

I had to let go of or more accurately, loosen some of my relationships with individuals and organizations. Collaborations by nature are challenging, but I this past year I placed myself in positions where accountability remained in the conceptual realm and not the practical one. At times I lacked the selfishness I deserve and ended up feeling really used and wounded. I own that I too played my role in not effectively communicating these feelings and I admit that I needed to be more transparent or at least offer more tangible closure. This is something I hope to continue to work through in the new year but not at the expense of my personal values and goals.

But for everything that is lost : a home of one’s own, physical and emotional relationships with loved ones – there is more space opened for things to enter, to gain, to grow, to evolve. 2011 as a year of taking risks by opening my heart towards the West. Social media and mutual friends worked together to connect my path to another’s. That person has developed into an amazing friend, lover, and partner. Past relationships behind me in a sold way I never thought possible, I am working on building something complicated and beautiful. Long distance monogamy has it’s challenges and drawbacks, which deserve a few posts. But it is also unfolding into amazing experiences, lessons, and love.

While I have been blogging less (you can read more about that here)I have been developing more as a writer. I have written for local and national publications, have performed, and am much more settled in my identity as a writer.

As 2011 closes, the current trend all over twitter and other media is to look towards the coming new year with top 10 lists and and catch phrases to put onto personal brands. As a person who views her life as media, that is how I live sends messages out into the world and universe, I cannot and will not even attempt to ecapsulate my goals, visions, and plans into a neat, 140 character package. Before I can do anything for my future, I first need to embrace the mixture of failures and triumphs of the last year and understand that the true definition of success is what I take away from from that mixture.

It’s Not Like Riding a Bike – Trying to Get Back Into the Blog Game

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I’m not doing such a great job at maintaining this blog, despite the extra hour and half of child free time in my day. Hell I’m not doing a great job maintaining my political/culture blog. I am going blame the fact that I am trying to play catch up with how far behind I’ve fallen with bills this summer because my income was essentially cut in half. I will also not blame but admit that being in a serious long distance relationship means a different kind of attention and time commitment (insert your comments here for those that have followed/have been involved in past relationships with me). I also just fell out of the habit when self-censorship took effect. Clearly I don’t need to and probably shouldn’t blog about everything (who really wants to read about my sex life—or do you?). I think the distance was/is good in that I was forced to be more introspective, channel thoughts into poetry or my journal, or ::gasp:: have more conversations with people.

But the truth is I am also having less conversations with people (except for my kids, my pareja, and my immediate familia). So I want to come back and find my voice again, find my passion.
I’m trying to get better.
I don’t have the same time I did when I was a single mami to one kid.
What I have been trying to to is jot bloggable thoughts in my notebook so that when I do have time I don’t have to grasp for a fake-ass issue to write about.
It also adds a layer of editing.

A ver como funciona and if I can get back into it.

The Mami’Hood Goes Back to School

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Call this a state of temporary bliss. A gift.

I am sitting in a cafe in the middle of the day – ok it’s really a chain restaurant that offers free wifi- but don’t ruin the image.

I’m sitting in a cafe in the middle of the day with an iced coffee and my fingers tapping away. My four year old is not pestering me to play a Dora game on the computer or to play with her princess toys. My 14 year old isn’t asking for the computer so she can update her very serious role play where the future of genetically modified vampire clone warriors is at stake.

It’s back to school time.

I never wanted to be one of those mamis, the ones in the commercials who joyfully run through the aisles of the office supply store because they are getting rid of their kids for a few hours pero here I am.

On Thursday, La Mapu started high school (!!!). She had to commute via the subway for an hour and go through a metal detector (Oh thank you NYPD secured DOE public schools). But despite her worry and mine (none of us slept very much the night before), she made it and actually liked it. She scored a new friend (a young woman who has never been to school before). Getting la Mapu into high school was a nearly two year process that involved tests, open houses, interviews and essays. I’m pleased that the hard work we both had to put in was well worth it (so far) pero the fact that we had to go through such a process pisses me off.

The only thing that pissed me off more than the high school application process was the Pre-K application process. Really wanting Poroto to attend a full day public school program meant putting myself through two lotteries, none which yielded ideal results. In this second round of the NYC Public School Pre-K lottery- Poroto was on of 46 percent or so that got a spot. She didn’t get a spot in our neighborhood. Nor did she get a full day spot. On Thursday I stood in a crowd of people outside her assigned school for over an hour- in the rain, with poroto. El Chileno came with thinking it would be a quick process, but he left to go to work. Clearly this was mami’hood business.

Once I made it inside the school, I was given a number (17), a stack of papers to fill out and we waited…….for two more hours. We sat through one assembly listening to the new principal of the school tell first and second graders that they were in school because President Obama wanted them to get good jobs and make a lot of money. We then sat though a second assembly where the principal told students that in the halls they should be “still, silent, and straight”. Umm yeah this was when I was ready to walk out and say fuck pre-k. Poroto – who napped and was more patient and quiet than I have ever seen her- begged me to wait a few more minutes because she really wanted to go to school. So I waited and finally our number was called.

The actual registering was fast. I had all my papers in order. The only confusion I caused was by checking off that my daughter was Latina and not white. With half an hour to spare before her first class, Poroto was an official public school Pre-K student.

Asking her, she’ll tell her her first day was boring, because I had to sit with her for orientation, making the grand total of hours spent in a public elementary school yesterday 5 and a half.

Pero back to today – with me sitting in a chain restaurant cafe, finishing my iced coffee, almost not annoyed by the ambient noise around me (note to self – next time do not forget your headphones), finishing a personal blog post! I left Poroto at Pre-K land’s special door. She didn’t cry. In fact we both skipped away happily in opposite directions, excited about the changes in our lives.

(PS – please consider donating to Poroto’s panderia fund which I will be renaming Mala’s cafe writing fund).

(PPS- I need to find a place where I can have a glass of wine while Poroto is in Pre-K. That will make this even more fun)

Quiero Volver Empezar – Again

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i have said it multiple times and have yet to do it…to come back to more personal blogging/writing, where it all began so many years ago – when I was just another single activist mami trying to figure out her way around la vida.

Since then so much has changed – becoming and being recognized as a political blogger, becoming a mami again, becoming not single and living with someone to becoming single with two kids to becoming not single (kinda sorta)

Some things never change. I am still following my heart which yes on more than one occasion has gotten me into trouble. I’m still broke pero mejor broke and happy que rich and miserable or feeling like I have betrayed who I really am. My core dreams/projects remain so (book) and I am trying to create with my family and it’s ever changing definition the world I am also trying to create – based in love and justice (same thing?)

I need to return to this. Political blogging feels like swimming upstream in a gross rive at times, especially as a radical woman of color. Claro the personal is the political and that is what I return to – radical raiz core root writing como mami, mujer como yo.

M/others, Mamaz and Community Care-Givers Unite Through Truth-Telling at the AMC

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Cross posted with VivirLatino

There were many reasons for my attending the Allied Media Conference, including to see dear friends but I also went to help present, specifically this workshop:

M/others, Mamaz and Community Care-Givers Unite Through Truth-Telling!
Presenters: Rachel Caballero, La Semilla Childcare Collective; China Martens; Future Generation & Don’t Leave Your Friends Behind; Kidz Space; Katina Parker, New Orleans Labor of Love; Maegan “la Mamita Mala” Ortiz, VivirLatino/la Mamita Mala
Facilitator: tk karakashian tunchez, To tell You the Truth/New Mythos Project
TRACK: INCITE! / To Tell You the Truth
M/others (self-identified single, teen and welfare mamaz), mamaz and community caregivers around the country are telling their truths through zines, blogs, printed media, performance work etc, and using this process of truth-telling to create stronger selves, families and communities. In this 3-part, interactive workshop, we will share practical skills and organizing models, then strategize on how we can support each other year-round through a national network of mamaz and community caregivers. Come share your questions and your knowledge with us!

This session will take place in three one hour parts. Part one is a knowledge fair, showcasing the many incredible projects in the room. Part two is a skill share, giving you a chance to learn some specific truth-telling and organizing techniques, including: zine-making, social media, on-the-go-video-how-to, blogging 101, and building a radical childcare collective. Part three is a strategy session for all us m/other, mamaz & community cargegivers in the room to think, dream, strategize, and envision specific ways we can work together over the next year. We will explore questions like; What do we bring to the tables as mamaz? What support do we need? How can we fortify our national community and our families? How can alternative media-making further our movements and transformations?

This session prioritizes the participation of mothers and community care-givers of color, but is open to all.

The session started with TK Karakashian Tunchez, of To tell You the Truth/New Mythos Project introducing the audience to the session, how we got here, who we are are, and what we will be doing; basically laying the foundation.

Continue reading →

A Favorite Latina on the Web Needs Our Support

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Crossposted from VivirLatino:

I’m really honored that Guanabee named yours truly one of their favorite Latinas on the web.

Some deal explicitly with Latino issues, some don’t. Some are funny, some are creative, some are activists, all are uniquely amazing, inspiring women who, we think, are some of the best at what they do.

I am especially honored by some of my company on the list, including dear mami amiga, Noemi Martinez of Hermana Resist. As a single mami media maker, I appreciate what Noemi does and understand the struggle it is to express yourself in a given medium with no source of funding and with kids yelling, learning, laughing and getting sick as your background soundtrack. Which is why I am asking you to help my mami hermana.

Continue reading →

Casa Mala Lives, Pero Mala is Worn the Hell Out

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In many ways I’m feeling like a failure, even though in the eyes of the world I’m not. I’m just doing what I have to do. I’m working long ass hours so I can pay rent and keep taking care of my children. This means however that the things I do out of love and compulsion: writing, blogging, poetry, organizing aren’t done, or are done in pedacitos because by the time I get home, or poroto is napping or asleep for the night, all I want to do is lay the fuck down. I have to prioritize what pays my rent, my utilities, my metrocard and food. Health care is a luxury I haven’t had the benefit of in almost three years, even as mujeres in my family get cancer or cancer scares and hey, I’m getting to “that age”.

I have small moments that sustain me. Margaritas, sex toys and cupcakes (oh my) with some amazing sister/mujeres after a reading. Late night phone convos that remind me that I am not alone in how I think and why I do do what I do to the point of exhaustion.

What I think I sacrifice the most is my mental well being. This isn’t sustainable and I need to know how to make it so.

Letting Go Con Amor

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This seems to be a recurring theme for me these past few days. I believe in mensajes y señales, some sent to me from ancestors in my dreams, some sent to me in emails and the actions of others. People placed in my path pero their placement isn’t a guarantee of anything, not of love, not of continuity, not of support. Lessons and then what we take from them and how we move forward.

For me it comes down to prioritizing now. I need to prioritize my survival. That goes beyond the pressing need for a roof over my head and the head of my children, how I will pay the bills, feed the hungry mouths attached to growing bodies. There are some relationships that will shift, shift into places I may not want them to go pero want has little to do with sobrevivencia. Getting through also means tiempo for words, pen on papel, and learning how take care of my corazoncito that at times is too generous and too hopeful for it’s own good.

Mercury is in retrograde and apparently this is supposed to meddle in the way things are communicated, put out to be heard and interpreted. Listening is an art of translation I have learned, tied to personal histories and things that are more often not said, pero shown, through movement and arte. No se if it’s too easy to blame the estrellas and planetary alignment for my dreams, which have involved me traveling and revealing deceptions that feel like politeness. Pero I don’t want niceties any more. Diplomacy is overrated. I ask for realness, honesty, even if it hurts yourself or another.

No one said this shit was easy.