Category Archives: money

When Two Hours Isn’t Enough

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The kids just had their first full week in school. Poroto’s Pre-K is now a full two hours and 10 minutes and I didn’t write one damn post on this personal blog.

What the fuck? What happened to my euphoria, my joy, my looking at this extra time as a blessing and a gift?

Well I got a cold for one and having a cold while mami’ing, and tutoring and trying to maintain a long distance relationship means my ass was more tired than usual and no one wants to sit next to the sick girl in the cafe.

But I also will admit I got lazy, picky, and resentful. I would pass by the cafe and find it too crowded, too noisy (I lost my headphones and can’t afford to buy another pair right now), and I was feeling sick of drinking coffee and buying coffee. I wanted to write in a bar but there are no bars in the hood that are open when Poroto is in Pre-K and the ones that are don’t have wifi. So I would go to my mother’s house, drink rum and cokes and open my laptop but there at my mother’s (where I also tutor) I would get distracted. I would gather all my tutoring materials. Vacuum. Take out the garbage. Chat with the neighbor who thinks I should move back home. Watch bad reality tv because my mom has cable.

The resentfulness came when I was trying to work. I would look at my calendar and my emails and realize that I still had to reject all the invites to cover events as media because I didn’t have enough time in the middle of the day to drop Poroto off at school, go into Manhattan, cover the event, and then to come back to pick her up. So many of the Fashion Week events were happening on school nights and as a single mami (yes I have a pareja pero it’s complicated) I’m responsible for dinner, checking homework, ironing clothes for the next day, waking the kids up, making breakfast etc.

When I was going through both rounds of the NYC pre-K application process, I engaged in fantasies of Poroto being a full day Pre-K program and I would have my days back. I dreamed of getting a part time job so I wouldn’t be so broke. Pero no one is going to hire me for an hour and a half a day.

So I’m still broke, still without enough time. I know a part of me just needs to get over this. Figure out some sort of routine that works and that allows me to write/be productive in the hour and a half I really have to work and hope that the rest of it will fall into place.

Unnecessary

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As the school year draws to a close, like every summer, I find myself scrambling, stressing and wondering how am I going to make ends meet for my little familia.

During the school year I make about 200 a week tutoring give or take 25-50 dollars. This means that in a month I make less than what my rent is. Factor in utilities, food for myself and two growing children, and transportation and yeah – you can see it’s gonna be a struggle. That is not even counting my poor attempts to pay off debts. I receive child support for one of my two children. Get another oh 100 dollars a month from my political blog and still end up borrowing from one place to pay something somewhere else (like the other editor on the website).

So far I have booked $150 worth of tutoring for the month of June and $200 for the month of August. Far below what I need to barely survive. The mini heatwave we had in NYC already raised by electricity bill by $40.

This morning I tweeted how I didn’t know how I was going to make it through July and August (oh and the rest of this month). ?Yesterday I tweeted that I would probably need to get another job for July and August. Which I probably will do. A follower suggested I don’t spend money on anything unnecessary. Which got me to thinking what exactly is unnecessary – not needed. So I looked at my shopping list and my to do list.

Shampoo – I can probably skip this for now
Pan – I have eggs in the fridge so that should be good enough for breakfast
Shaver – Ay who needs to shave their legs/pits
Avocado : See pan also I have rice in my pantry
Veggies/Fruits – I have one banana and some beans in the pantry
Sunblock – I guess going to the beach is not in my future or I can burn

flowers/cards – I guess those are not needed. I can make a card for baby daddies and amor de mi vida for Father’s Day

Vino : I haven’t had vino since I was in Los Angeles in late April/early May

Get nails done : I have a gift certificate for this but tip is extra. Cut.

Get hair cut : Haven’t had a haircut in about a year now. Look into those free cuts students give in the city (but you have to tip no?) Ay just keep cutting own ends.

Pay off three debts I am trying to pay down : My credit is so fucked up already who cares?

Pay Internet : I just paid half of what I owed so that they wouldn’t cut the internet and I could email the op-ed published in El Diario la Prensa and post other things to make a tiny amount of money/ Maybe I just need to rely on free wi-fi.

Pay Gas Bill : Not having gas sucked because then you have to buy prepared food outside which is more expensive than cooking your own food.

The twitter follower in question told me to look at my cell phone plan – I don’t pay for my cell phone plan at the moment thanks to a generous prize from Credo Mobile that will expire in September.

I was told to cut cable – I don’t have cable.

I am also travelling – which seems dumb no? Mind you they are for conferences and the airfare and housing is paid for as are some of the meals – but what about the meals that are not covered? Ground transport? These conferences have to do with my work as a media maker and an activist and also help me build deeper relationships with other people doing work/living like me but am feeling guilty about the vacation I took in late April/May with my income tax refund.

Maybe the broke ass don’t deserve vacations, conferences?

What is necessary in our lives not just for the survival of our bodies but the survival of our hearts/souls?

Ay and today is rent day.

Gas y Sillas

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These are the two things I have lived without for awhile.

The gas got cut off sometime in December, after Christmas when I was struggling to pay rent and electricity and internet. We needed a roof over our heads. I couldn’t imagine not having lights. And well internet. Um I really need internet. Bill paying usually is a juggling act like that. What bill can get put off so that other needs like food are taken care of. Gas seemed like the most expendable item. The gas in casa mala isn’t linked to the heat, so we stayed warm, we just couldn’t cook real meals, boil water etc.

We haven’t had chairs for longer. 6 months maybe? No se. When I first moved into casa mala with my ex over four years ago, my mother bought us a table with chairs that have all broken into pieces. We have all gotten used to sitting at the table in shifts to eat. Or maybe the kids sit at the table : one on a half broken stool from a local 99 cent store, and the other on a storage ottoman. I sit on my childhood bed which doubles as our sofa (we don’t have one of those either). This way is the closest we get to properly sharing a meal together. When guests come, we all shift so the guest gets to sit on the storage ottoman, the best seat in the house so far.

These were things I didn’t talk about. There was/is a certain shame in not being able to cook because I could afford the gas. And anyway I felt grateful that in the cold cold winter, without gas, we still had heat. I had no right to complain or feel bad. I could cook at my mother’s house and then bring the food home to heat up in my microwave.

The furniture..eh. I never really complained too much about it. No even inside. I think I only felt bad when guests would come over and there were no real seats for everyone.

So when my federal income tax refund came (really my poor person’s earned income credit), the first thing I did was get the gas turned back on and I ordered chairs. We all cheered as a family when the gas came back on. I could have kissed the guy from National Grid. Boiling water, cooking rice and beans. The chairs arrive today and I can’t explain my excitement over some inexpensive chairs. My kids are excited that we can all sit at the table together and even have an extra chair for company.

Shall I reserve that spot at la mesa for you?

Don Dinero…Como Te Odio

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Without a doubt this has been one of the hardest years financially for me. I have bounced more checks than I care to admit and am so grateful that my landlord, yes even with the leaky bedroom ceiling and bathtub faucet that won’t turn off completely without shutting off all of the hot water in casa mala, has been patient and kind to this single mami and her hijas.

Never ever have I relied so much on the kindness of others, donations, gifts from people here and other dear friends that literally have kept my children fed at times. Tonight I took milk from my mom’s house for my morning cafe and a can of soup for lunch for poroto and I.

Currently I am behind of every utility bill. Gas, internet (which believe it or not provides some of my income), but I guess the worse is the Electric bill. It’s not even over 200 but there is a shut off notice that I am trying to negotiate my way out of. I came home tonight not sure if I would have electricity. Obviously I do or I would not be writing this. Then the other night this domain/hosting for this site auto-renewed, which apparently according to fine print I read after the effing fact, happens 15 days before it actually expires, putting my already strained account in overdraft..para variar. I was expecting two checks, one which ended up being smaller than planned and then the second one is late. soooo here we are.

The other day, I got word that the renewal for the hijas’ medicaid was approved, so that was a relief.

And the funny thing is, I still do things para el amor al arte : blogging, poetry, movement, mami’hood and almost daily I pray to be able to stop tutoring because my love for it now is down to almost nil. I believe deep down in doing things I love. I don’t mind being poor and alot of it is because as a college dropout, regardless of how smart I know I am, I am not incredibly marketable, pero I believe that there should be some love/joy in what you do/how you live. I don’t want to work to live. Seems gross and anyway, I do work. I take care of my children, the children of others, I write, share information, spit poetry, spill opinons.
Creo que eso seria la definicion de la locura.

A Favorite Latina on the Web Needs Our Support

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Crossposted from VivirLatino:

I’m really honored that Guanabee named yours truly one of their favorite Latinas on the web.

Some deal explicitly with Latino issues, some don’t. Some are funny, some are creative, some are activists, all are uniquely amazing, inspiring women who, we think, are some of the best at what they do.

I am especially honored by some of my company on the list, including dear mami amiga, Noemi Martinez of Hermana Resist. As a single mami media maker, I appreciate what Noemi does and understand the struggle it is to express yourself in a given medium with no source of funding and with kids yelling, learning, laughing and getting sick as your background soundtrack. Which is why I am asking you to help my mami hermana.

Continue reading →

Casa Mala Lives, Pero Mala is Worn the Hell Out

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In many ways I’m feeling like a failure, even though in the eyes of the world I’m not. I’m just doing what I have to do. I’m working long ass hours so I can pay rent and keep taking care of my children. This means however that the things I do out of love and compulsion: writing, blogging, poetry, organizing aren’t done, or are done in pedacitos because by the time I get home, or poroto is napping or asleep for the night, all I want to do is lay the fuck down. I have to prioritize what pays my rent, my utilities, my metrocard and food. Health care is a luxury I haven’t had the benefit of in almost three years, even as mujeres in my family get cancer or cancer scares and hey, I’m getting to “that age”.

I have small moments that sustain me. Margaritas, sex toys and cupcakes (oh my) with some amazing sister/mujeres after a reading. Late night phone convos that remind me that I am not alone in how I think and why I do do what I do to the point of exhaustion.

What I think I sacrifice the most is my mental well being. This isn’t sustainable and I need to know how to make it so.

Y Este Cuerpecito

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First off mil gracias for all the love, concern, emails, etc.

The good news is rent is paid for the month (and maybe even for next month), the children have food, the electricity isn’t gonna get shut off anymore and my phone is working.

I still have to pay my gas bill pero I have the funds to do that, just haven’t done it yet cuz well my body and soul are tired.

As I was thinking about this latest crisis, I was thinking of how much my body, heart, and soul have been through over the last months. The deaths of two loved ones. The critical illness of another. Heartbreak and drama, partially via my own hand, and struggling to make it all work while saying yes yes yes to a million projects that I don’t get paid for pero I do porque it’s what I do, I help, I listen, I take care pero I don’t always take such good care of myself.
And these last few months, between internet drama, the AMC, Netroots Nation, and this latest survival shit, I have become much more aware of how poorly I take care of myself. So I’m gonna try and be a little easier on my body and soul and it’s a theme that has come up alot recently with other mamis I have been talking with. How do we do this in community? How do make outselves not check up on each other pero make each other check ourselves. Stop. How are you feeling? What hurts? What is troubling you? What is blocking you?

The other day in an email conversation with some mamis the idea came to me of videos, video check ins, loving reminders for ourselves to tale care of ourselves a little better. This could mean checking what we are eating, how we are sleeping, are we creating (not working- creating there is a difference- the four fragments of poetry staring me down now keep reminding me. Maybe we just need a good orgasm (seriously don’t underestimate what this can do for your mood).

I don’t want to give myself another project pero it’s an idea I have that I will get to eventually.

For now, I need to finish my laundry and return some of the beautiful emails from so many of my hermanas that are sitting in my inbox.

besos
xoxo
M.

Y Una Luz Pequena Abre Un Nuevo Camino con Cancion de Paloma

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The last few days have been a special kind of hell. Last night, when el chileno dropped off la poroto, and I considered that I might not take care of her, he seemed a little too eager to help in that way, in taking my hija off my hands. Quizas my mother and sister were right with their gut reactions.

Pero all throughout the day, small gifts came in that allowed me to pay towards my electricity and buy food for casa mala. Someone bought me a metrocard so I wouldn’t have to walk everywhere like I have been doing for weeks (even though I actually like the walking). Y despues, ni voy a llamar lo milagro. No porque to call it a miracle doesn’t give it the place it deserves. blessing? Yes, because I feel that we are given signs and people placed in our path and opening new paths for a reason. Every single person and conversation is a lesson in love, giving and receiving it.

For the last two days I have been crying off and on. Trying to put a good face on for las nenas. La Mapu understands all of this a little better and took a break from casa mala and mamita mala stress and stayed with my mom last night, pero I wish she was here. Last night I cried out of relief, joy, gratitude and love.

Familia, yes familia is my blood family. My sister trying to help me find a more sustainable living situation in terms of work and home. My mom trying so hard not to judge and helping me with la mapu. And chosen familia, familia that you meet and instantly fall in love with because their hearts and souls are just so beautiful. So many of you here are my chosen familia. Showing me love and support in ways I was told I didn’t deserve. So thank you.

For now casa mala remains casa mala, with working electricity and a working phone and a working heart that doesn’t feel so beat the fucking down. I still need to figure out long term how I will do this survival game. I still need a more sustainable work, living, childcare situation pero I have some room to just stop and breath.

And I owe some peeps the biggest wedding gift, ever!!!!

Abrazos
M

La Mala is an Immigration Scholar and is Going to Netroots Nation to Prove It

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scholarship image
National blogger conferences are always funny things to me.
I’ve been blogging for many years and not to give myself too many props, pero I was one of the earlier radical women of color blogging on personal issues as political issues and then branched out.
I have been fortunate enough to link my blogging to my history of activism and even to my poetic artistry.
And yet, for multiple reasons, I am not funded and most of what I do is a hustle inside of a hustle out of love for justice.
This means that national conferences that talk about how to talk about the issues and strategies and probably most importantly,
are places to network and share info, even conference held by orgs claiming to rep my interests, are out of my reach. I’m a single mami who makes justice centered media in various forms.

Pero this week I will be attending Netroots Nation this week gracias to a scholarship from America’s Voice that is bringing me and other pro-migrant bloggers to Pittsburgh.

I’m grateful and looking forward to this opportunity to share ideas, experiences and strategies.

PS: The scholarship covers my travel and my hotel. If you would like to donate to feed the Rican blogger click below. Gracias!





Call Me….Well actually Help My HermanaAmiga Call Me

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I didn’t have cell phone access for a good part of last week. I can blame the telecom companies and their jacked up rates pero the fact is that I could pay my bill. It’s not even like I have a fancy ass phone with bells and whistles. It calls and it texts. That’s it. Pero I don’t have a home phone Can’t really afford to have both a cell phone and house phone. So my cell phone is a lifeline. It connects me with my tutoring clients, it connects me with other peeps I do business with. When I leave my hija someplace or let her travel somewhere alone, god forbid something happens we have access to each other. Pero gracias to a generous donation I was able to pay my bill and I have a phone for another month. So I call this paying it forward.

I think so many people assume that everyone has cell phone access or that it’s easily affordable. I think people take their minutes for granted, their access for granted.

My girl L.V. , who like me doesn’t have a house phone, who needs her cell for work and to look for work, is about to have her cell phone shut off. If you have some dollars to spare so that she can get her cell service up and running please email me so I can tell you where to send funds to.

Gracias