What Do We Tell/Show the Children?

Share

Holy winter break batman. When the kids are off from school, I barely have any physical space to myself, let alone mental space to process things out via typed text. In the space I occupy with my daughters, this space between Egypt, Libya, Puerto Rico, Bahrain, Algeria and Yemen, I have woken up on many mornings wondering how, what do we tell/show our children about movement(s), justice, and responsibility?

In the space I occupy with my children somewhere between Egypt, Puerto Rico, Libya, Bahrain y Algeria, in the same country as Arizona, Mississippi and Wisconsin, they bear witness from afar. And when I speak of my children, I am not just speaking of my biological daughters but of the community who sit almost daily at my mother’s kitchen table. I read aloud from the news. Pull out maps and point to these places.

My children are movement children. You can ask my mom and sister, who still laugh at the fact that La Mapu’s first full sentence was “No Justice, No peace”. Poroto, has traded in her “si se puedes” for “Egypt, Egypt, Egypt”. La Mapu has taken a renewed interest in one of her patrias, Puerto Rico, one afternoon surprising me by asking aloud from my mother’s living room as she watched cartoons, “how do the liberation struggles in the Middle East translate to the student struggles in Puerto Rico?”

I nearly cried with pride.

While she fought with her sister on the floor of Julia de Burgos in El Barrio, I noted she argued because she wanted to pay attention. She was watching the videos I have been watching and reporting on for months, of Puerto Rican students getting beaten, tear gassed and sexually assaulted. She was paying attention, on her own terms.

I stopped forcing la Mapu to meetings, conferences and rallies as soon as she was old enough to stay a few hours by herself but she can’t escape that this is the world we live in, impacting loved ones, some whom she has met, some whom she knows through their blogs and twitter avatars. Last night, she cried over the dead in Libya and all I could do was hold her.

But what of the children who are left unaware as I was as a child. When I woke up at age 16 and suddenly realized I had been lied to about history and my role in it, I felt angry, betrayed and motivated. My life has never been the same.

I am participating in an event as a story teller in a local museum in a few weeks. The theme is art and activism. How do I talk with children who don’t witness and navigate these spaces on a daily basis or are like those Central Park horses with their eyes fixed on the tiny camino in front of them, blind to the rest of the world around them that they stand in the middle of?

I have never lied to my children about the struggles that exist in this world. Some of them they experience on their own, some of them through my work/life. But what of the children who are shielded? How to hold their hand slowly, open their eyes slowly so they are not afraid but awakened?

That is the question that has been waking me up for weeks.

I welcome answers/suggestions.

Trabajo

Share

This week I have broken down crying twice.
Once was because of the kind words sent to me from the other side of the United States.
The other time was because of feelings of guilt and uselessness.
Both tie into work and how work is compensated or not.

The message from the West Coast, a coast that always seems to catch my heart’s desires, reflected an appreciation for my sacrifices, struggles, public unpeeling of multiple layers and my lack of pragmatism.

The message from my mother at her kitchen table, the message from my landlord, and the gas company is that it’s just not good enough. It’s the same message I get whenever I reach out for public assistance. The message is that my writing, the time I take do to political blogging, plan workshops with other amazing people, curate tweets that go to congressional staffers to shift their perspective on issues, the time I take to pretend to be afraid of a four year old hiding underneath a blanket every morning, the time I take to sit with Indian Muslim children of immigrant students drawing lines from the history of this country they were born and to the country their parents left is not enough. It is not enough to keep the gas on so I can cook relatively healthy meals for the kids. It’s not good enough for la Mapu to have some choices when it comes to where she will go to high school in September and be happy. It is not good enough to not have favors / sacrifices thrown in my face. No those things are reserved for other people who seemingly work harder, more than me.

And yet today I am have a phone meeting about a conference I am presenting at and no I am not getting paid for. I tutor later will earn a small amount of money that still keeps me below the poverty line. I am thinking of the political website that earns anywhere from a dollar to 10 a day even though thousands read it. Poroto is wearing her birthday dress and I will skim through the news, for free, for immigration news that attempts to prove that how this U.S. is doing it now is not working for people, my people, your people.

Cada dia trabajo in multiple ways, in multiple roles pero parece, se siente que no es suficiente.

Thinking About Teen Abortion y The Privilege of Absent Papi’Hood

Share

I don’t have cable so I missed the MTV special on teens seeking abortions. I wanted to see it because 13 years ago I was a teen seeking an abortion. Well, kind of. I was 19, pregnant and in Chile, a country where abortion was and still is illegal. My housemates, other young mujer college students far from their home (although in their country), and I watched a special on TVN de Chile about underground abortion clinics filmed with uv cameras that made the young women look like ghosts. One of my housemates confessed to having used such a clinic herself. And I was weighing my own options.

The other person responsible for my pregnancy didn’t want me to stay in Chile (what I wanted at the time) and instead told me that I was better off returning to the U.S. where abortions was allegedly safe, accessible and legal. I stayed in Chile travelling for a while longer, convinced I wasn’t going to carry my obvious pregnancy to term. By the time I made it to U.S., I was too broke to afford an abortion and too far along anyway.

It’s not that I regret mami’hood or la Mapu. Most people know that I have centered a good portion of my identity around my role of mami and 13 years, another kid, and yes two abortions later, I love mami’hood, even in its moments of struggle.

Pero the papi? I think I am connecting my own personal history with abortion with fatherhood because recently la Mapu’s father has pressing hard to see her. He hasn’t seen her since she was 3 or 4 and is talking to my sister apparently even to get her to accompany la Mapu to travel to Oaxaca where he is chilling now, not paying rent and working at a hostel to feed himself and his girlfriend.

It’s not that I don’t want la Mapu to see her father or that I don’t want him to see her. I would never deny that, but there is a part of me that remembers him sending me on my way. Yes he was young, but for 13 years I have registered voters, sold furniture, temped, table danced, tutored and written my heart out for my hija and he’s been travelling the world, with his college degree picking fruit because his job in Chile bored him. So yeah, maybe I am a tiny bit resentful and irritated.

The language of choice doesn’t always translate across continents. Access isn’t always interpreted precisely. And parent’hood or not isn’t always an accompanied trip to Puerto Escondido.

Whoever Dropped the Plague on Casa Mala, I Hate You

Share

These are the days you miss being partnered, or at least living in community, with neighbors y familia you can lean on a little.

After Poroto being sick for a good week, I am now sick and lucky me my head cold that has every pore of my face aching happens at the same time as the December NYC blizzard.

Virtually no one was delivering in the hood yesterday and I wasn’t able to get out of Casa Mala to face the unplowed streets to find some soup and food for my 3 year old until 6 pm.

I can deal with the single mami’hood hustle. In fact most days, to paraphrase a twitterputeando partner, the choreographed dance as I go, is an exciting albeit at times frustrating adventure that I usually end on beat and with sexy ass grace.

But this…nah this being ill while taking care of a still ill child during a snowstorm, yeah this shit makes me almost wish for wedded bliss or at the very least vecinos who don’t stab each other so I can give them a few bucks to get me some food.

I had big plans for this week. There are big challenges/changes coming to VivirLatino, I need to do some year end roundups, and writing but even this post was painful to write.

I’m still trying to manifest a sick single mami sopa delivery service that , to paraphrase the words of Lex, doesn’t fuck me up more.

Pa’lante (sort of)

How Many Resets Am I Allowed

Share

Because it feels like I hit that button in my life over and over.

I bite off more than I can chew, projects that I want to do because they feed my soul and heart and really my soul and heart are greedy little creatures. I want to marry poetry and make love to community activism based in radical collaborative love. These are things I have tasted, shared with my hijitas pero then….

la maldita capitalist vida.
la maldita fucking bills.
la maldita fucking rent.
la maldita fucking life.

I just paid my rent that was due almost a whole month ago and now in a week rent is due again and I know I will be short and late again.
I mean I’m blessed, blessed because my landlord has been really generous and understanding pero I am ashamed. On those late days I teach my children to be extra quiet, make themselves invisible so we won’t be as obvious.

So much for radical fucking mami’hood

And then there are the days of watered down sopa and rationed cereal. Again, so blessed because we manage. We are all relatively physically healthy and have more food than so many others and thank fucking the ancestors for my mother and her willingness to help us fill our bellies. But again, ashamed. At 33 I should be fucking doing better at feeding my own fucking children.

On the days I walk the mile plus to my mother’s house, where I tutor, I front like I do it for the health of the familia. We are all getting our exercise but more than likely it’s just because I cannot afford to get us all on the subway and they are raising the fare. In the summer and fall it is not so bad but what about when the snow comes and the fare is raised again?

This week feels like a reprieve. I mean I am saving up to try and make rent next week. I am working. I just bought coffee filters. There is food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nada Fancy but our bellies will be filled and the rent is paid for this week. I hit reset again. Feeling a little ashamed at unfinished projects and playing furious games of catch up with my hand ready to hit reset again.

Performance Afterglow y High School Dragas

Share

Over the last month two things have been sucking my time in wonderful ways (in addition to the usual mami’hood/work biznuss).

I had four amazing opportunities/gifts in the form of different type of performances. I will recount each of them in different posts pero I have to give a shout out to Charlie Vazquez y his Hispanic Panic magic, El Museo del Barrio y Make/shift recLAmations. Each and every single one of these events was a reawakening and reminder of the power of poetry, performance and the community that can by built/grow from that space.

I am also in the middle of assisting my 13 year old, la MapucheRican, in the high school application process, which in NYC is a trip and a half that is stressing us the fuck out, exhausting us, eating up our weekends but also bringing us together. Some peeps have asked that I write about the process a little more in depth given how the media and other “sources of info” seem to be looking alot more at the education system now and given how many other parents will have to navigate the locura.

I also have video, audio and pictures to share….so let’s go.

Abrazos y besos

The Undesirability of Hijas

Share

My oldest hija just turned 13. For most of those years I was single. I dated but it wasn’t until she was 10 that I was in what I would call a “serious” relationship. When that relationship ended, I was mami’ing another hija, now 3. According to a study referenced in this article, the fact that I am a mami to hijas, doomed me from the get and dooms me well into the future, dooms me to single’hood that is.

Economists Gordon Dahl (at the University of Rochester) and Enrico Moretti (at UCLA) discovered the following facts in 2003: In the United States, the parents of a girl are nearly 5 percent more likely to divorce than the parents of a boy. The parents of three girls are close to 10 percent more likely to divorce than the parents of three boys.

Not only do parents of daughters divorce more, but divorced women with daughters are substantially less likely to remarry than divorced women with sons. Landsburg suggested that “daughters are a liability in the market for a husband. Not only do daughters lower the probability of remarriage; they also lower the probability that a second marriage, if it does occur, will succeed.”

Continue reading

outlaw midwives vol. 2 call for submissions

Share

From Guerrilla Mama Medicine

call for submissions

outlaw midwives zine vol. 2

focusing on pregnancy, birth, and the baby year

for and by: mothers, friends and allies of mothers, doulas, midwives, birthworkers, childbirth educators, childbirth advocates,

intention: to create a zine for pregnancy, birth, and the first year of motherhood centering the lives of working class, marginalized mothers and birthworkers.

submit: photos, drawings, visual art
poems, essays, fiction and non-fiction
tips, suggestions, lists of resources

check out the outlaw midwives manifesta and website: http://outlawmidwife.wordpress.com/

outlaw midwives: creating revolutionary communities of love

some suggestions for topics on which you can submit…but these are just suggestions…

suggestions for those trying to conceive. and for not conceiving. stories of conception, abortions and miscarriage.

what are the social, economic, legal consequences and limitations for marginalized mothers to make choices about how, when and where they will give birth.

tips for the first, second, third trimester. relationship with doctors, clinic, midwives, family, friends, etc.

how do we resist the high infant and mortality rates?

what are the ways that community could support the childbearing year, mothers and families?

how have you navigated through the systems of welfare, protective child services, hospitals, etc?

reflect on the state of midwifery today. what do you see as the positives and negatives? how has legalization and licensing affected mothers and families access to care?

what would you want to tell a soon to be mother about pregnancy, birth, and early motherhood? or write a letter to your pre-mother or pre-pregnant self about what you should expect. what didnt you expect to happen/learn/experience in pregnancy, birth, the baby year? write a letter to you daughter and/or son about what you learned/want to pass on about pregnancy, birth, baby year.

what was your personal experience/story of birth? pregnancy, the baby year?
what did you learn/are you learning from the baby year?

what do you wish someone had told you about early motherhood and/or being a birth worker?
what do you wish you could have said to someone, but didnt?
what is your vision/ideal of how pregnancy, birth, baby year could be?

what family/traditional wisdom did you receive about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding? what practical tips do you have for working poor mothers?

breastfeeding vs. bottle. what are the social, biological and economic influences and consequences of the choice to breastfeed or bottle feed?

what to do with the placenta? placenta art, consumption, burials?

why did you become a birth worker? what has been the highlights of the experience? what have been the difficulties?

what does ‘outlaw midwife’ mean to you?

keep it simple

deadline halloween october 31st

send submissions to maiamedicine at gmail dot com

M/others, Mamaz and Community Care-Givers Unite Through Truth-Telling at the AMC

Share

Cross posted with VivirLatino

There were many reasons for my attending the Allied Media Conference, including to see dear friends but I also went to help present, specifically this workshop:

M/others, Mamaz and Community Care-Givers Unite Through Truth-Telling!
Presenters: Rachel Caballero, La Semilla Childcare Collective; China Martens; Future Generation & Don’t Leave Your Friends Behind; Kidz Space; Katina Parker, New Orleans Labor of Love; Maegan “la Mamita Mala” Ortiz, VivirLatino/la Mamita Mala
Facilitator: tk karakashian tunchez, To tell You the Truth/New Mythos Project
TRACK: INCITE! / To Tell You the Truth
M/others (self-identified single, teen and welfare mamaz), mamaz and community caregivers around the country are telling their truths through zines, blogs, printed media, performance work etc, and using this process of truth-telling to create stronger selves, families and communities. In this 3-part, interactive workshop, we will share practical skills and organizing models, then strategize on how we can support each other year-round through a national network of mamaz and community caregivers. Come share your questions and your knowledge with us!

This session will take place in three one hour parts. Part one is a knowledge fair, showcasing the many incredible projects in the room. Part two is a skill share, giving you a chance to learn some specific truth-telling and organizing techniques, including: zine-making, social media, on-the-go-video-how-to, blogging 101, and building a radical childcare collective. Part three is a strategy session for all us m/other, mamaz & community cargegivers in the room to think, dream, strategize, and envision specific ways we can work together over the next year. We will explore questions like; What do we bring to the tables as mamaz? What support do we need? How can we fortify our national community and our families? How can alternative media-making further our movements and transformations?

This session prioritizes the participation of mothers and community care-givers of color, but is open to all.

The session started with TK Karakashian Tunchez, of To tell You the Truth/New Mythos Project introducing the audience to the session, how we got here, who we are are, and what we will be doing; basically laying the foundation.

Continue reading

Free Range Mami

Share

I was feeling massively aggravated on Sunday. Aggravated because there was laundry that needed to be done. Aggravated because el Chileno doesn’t believe in a visitation schedule and kind of just shows up after he gets done doing what he needs to do, even if that just means sleeping in because he hung out too late the night before. Aggravated because I would rather been at a rally against what the Israeli government did to the Flotilla instead of helping my 12 year old prep for finals even if I wasn’t so keen on the org behind the rally. I wanted a public space to express my anger with my presence, not just typed letters.

My frustration reminded me of my younger mami’hood days. Mami’hood 1.0 if you will, when if I wanted to go to a rally I packed up la Mapu and went. If there was a risk of arrest or if I knew I was going to get arrested, I let my mom know and she would stay with la Mapu. But that was in a different time with a younger, more willing, less tired mother, with a different, more easy-going child and with only one child.

I guiltily wondered, how many mamis were on board the flotilla and how they probably didn’t worry about their kid’s finals or dirty Dora the explorer panties.

I’m often asked how I do it all and most of the time I feel like I do it pretty damn poorly, from mami’ing to organizing, to writing. I feel like I’m always behind, always struggling, always broke. I mean my kids are generally great, smart and aware pero I feel like people are always watching me and not in a creepy please don’t break into my house again way, pero to judge.

I am not the upper middle class mommy writer who leaves her kid alone in the park and gets a ton of media coverage on it (and of course she has a book deal pero that’s a whole different post).

Porque where I live, publicizing leaving my 12 year old kid could get a visit from CPS and then get my kid taken away. Where I live, my sister takes her pre-k class to a puppet show about safety and all the 4 year olds yell that they should not talk to the police officer because where I live it’s been feeling like Phoenix for a long ass time for familias. Where I live, the police knew me at first because my apartment was broken into, but now after seeing me at a few local rallies and marches, they know my kids and I and give us the “you deserved what you got” look.

“free range” is inaccessible, whether that be in the local Associated Supermarket where the free range eggs are $5.00 or in the local park where the mami/vendors hold their children tight next to the shopping carts filled with elotes or bottles of water.

I’m still frustrated that I can’t go to a million meetings and rallies planned this week because I am so broke ass right now and need to work doing something I am not really enjoying at the moment or because poroto is a little more inquieta than her sister and can’t be expected to not run into a line of police officers at a protest.
Everything is measured here, carefully.