Mamita Mala :One Bad Mami blog

Posted By lamamitamala on February 1, 2010

This past Sabado evening, I had the pleasure of reading at the Bowery Poetry Club as part of the debut performance event of the NYC Latina Writer’s Group.

I have been doing this poetry reading cosa for quite a few years now and it never gets old. The nerves start to rattle, I get flushed, then I get up on stage or in front of the mic and I just go, vibe of the audience, spit, flow, speak, release. Whenever I get off the stage I need a smoke. I’m usually trembling and it takes a few minutes for me to regroup, center myself. It’s like an amazing orgasm with an amazing lover who yes, really loves you.

There were two things that made this last reading extra special. One, my mom showed up. It was a total surprise and a nice one. For all my locuras, my mother has been one of my greatest fans. She was there when I was barely 18 and first read at the Nuyoricans and here she is now, wondering why the fuck I haven’t published a book yet. It’s not always easy having your mom in the audience, especially when my poems talk about fucking alot of the time. Who wants to hear about their daughter’s sex life, fucked up relationships, and struggles with politics and identity? Apparently my mom does because she keeps showing up to hear what’s new and I love her for that.

Two, the event was livestreamed. I had so much love coming from the twittersphere, it was almost more than a twitterputa could take. Kai, Bianca, Kevin, Maia, Alex, Lenee…and a whole mess of other loves of mine thank you, thank you, thank you. Just knowing that you were there in your chosen places on this planet we share, watching me, sharing that moment with me, gets me all kinds of teary eyed.

One of the things that I have really felt in these two weeks without poroto, has been how blessed I am. I really have surrounded myself in real life and in virtual life (and in intersecting places) with such an amazing group of gente. There are people that I really respect professionally and can count on personally. They are my extended familia and you, here, reading this are too.

xoxox
Mala

Category: Live Action Mala, familia | 2 Comments »
Tags: amigos, Bowery Poetry Club, NYC Latina Writers Group, Performance, poetry, twitterputa

Posted By lamamitamala on January 28, 2010

I haven’t written as much as I would have liked in this week that poroto has been gone.

Correction, I haven’t written as much poetry as I would have liked. I’ve written two pretty good blog posts: one about Haiti, the other about the SOTU by the POTUS (ja ja those acronyms crack me up).

Pero I am now in a corner and will probably have a poetry writing bender as I always like to do at least one new poem whenever I have a reading. I have a reading this Saturday, January 29, 2010, at 5:30 pm at the Bowery Poetry Club as part of the NYC Latina Writer’s Group.

For NYC peeps, the Bowery Poetry Club is located in Downtown Manhattan at 308 Bowery
(Between Houston and Bleecker)
You can take the F train to 2nd Ave, 6 to Bleecker.

Pero check this out peeps, you can watch me online. Apparently The Bowery Poetry Club livestreams all of its happenings, so from coast to coast, continent to continent you can hear me spit some poetic puterias.

Category: Live Action Mala, writing | No Comments »
Tags: Bowery Poetry Club, NYC Latina Writers, poesia, poetry

Posted By lamamitamala on January 24, 2010

My three year old is sleeping under the Puerto Escondido sky and yes I’m a little bit celosa. I miss her silly maniac ways and have found myself repeating all of her catch phrases over the last two days without her. Like “stupid asses”.

Yes, she is my child.

The break hasn’t happened yet, nor has the breakthrough. There is still an older child to mami and even though she spends most of her days not wanting to interact with me, she needs me. I still have to work to pay rent and electric and gas and eat. There are big blog issues over at the other site that I need to fix. And the poems.

Creo que hay tres, una de la primavera, una para Haiti, y otra donde soy la puta de mi papa. They are dancing in the back of my mouth. Waiting as patiently as they can for my hand the guide the pen so they can be born just a little before being unleashed into the wild/mundo.

Pero casa mala isn’t ready yet. I am not quite ready. The conditions aren’t right. I was thinking this morning as I struggled to find a poem I wanted to read at an event next week, how I need to organize my space better. It was like when I gave birth. I wanted quiet and darkness. Tomorrow, la Mapu will be at school and la casa will be mine. I will set aside a space, an altar to the work that will be done.

PS : I had a whole other angry post that I was going to write this morning about other issues but I’ve let it drop for now. Suffice it to say, I stay am struggling with some things and my level of comfort. Pero that’s ok.

PPS: No I haven’t gone on a date yet. With la mapu with me it just hasn’t happened even though there have been offers. You all will be the first to know porque I kiss and tell (most of the time).

Category: la vida, mamihood, writing | No Comments »
Tags: la mapu, mami'cation, mamihood, Poroto

Posted By lamamitamala on January 19, 2010

In three days poroto will be going to Oaxaca for two weeks with her father el Chileno. In Casa Mala, the mala familia has gone from the holidays, to celebrating a birthday, to preparing for a trip. Once the trip comes, I will be able to breath for a little bit. These last few weeks have felt non-stop. Cooking, cleaning and working, well working as much as poroto will allow me to. As much as I love poroto and as much as I will miss her, I am looking forward to the two week break. It is the longest I will be have been without her. I am looking forward to spending some time with la mapu and doing big girl things with her, pero I had planned to do some big girl things alone. Disfrutando mi solteria bailando and yes a little bit of puteando. Saying yes to so many events I normally would say no to because of mami’hood duties.

Pero this year I have also dedicated to my poetry. Gathering old poems and working on a manuscript to get published. Performing, promoting, writing. So as much as I want to get my puta on, I also want to cocoon myself in casa mala, and write/edit/write/edit write write write.

Certainly somewhere there is a happy medium between the puta and pupa.

Category: The Mami'hood, la vida, mamihood, writing | 2 Comments »
Tags: mamihood

Posted By lamamitamala on January 15, 2010

On Saturday Poroto will turn 3. Around Christmas time it was my one year anniversary of being single and yes for me the two things are connected.

Poroto is high energy, free spirited, and independent. Oh and I should mention demanding. She thinks she is the center of the known and unknown universe and wants the rest of the world to acknowledge that too. While I try and write from the table at Casa Mala, she wants to watch Go Diego Go in Chinese (she likes watching common U.S. cartoons in different languages). While I’m on the phone on a conference call about the latest in the immigration justice struggle, she wants to jump on to say hi. While I tutor, she sits beside me and my students doing her own “homework” and on our daily subway commutes, she waves and greets the booth clerks and fellow passengers, all of whom are her “friends”. She demands ballet music and leaps and spins through the kitchen and excitedly talks about her upcoming trip to Mexico. She knows she’s going to Oaxaca. Did I mention she’s only turning 3?

When I decided to embark into mami’hood 2.0, I did it thinking that I would be doing in partnered. Poroto wasn’t planned pero after much thinking and hand wringing she was wanted. I had expectations of her growing up in a more “traditional” family than I did, even if her father and I were anything but traditional. Pero I grew restless and in many ways I think that is why she is restless too. With la Mapu, I knew I would be doing this on my own and I opened myself up to a new vision of family that included fellow activists who would hold her during marches and help her color during political education classes. Pero with poroto I closed my vision again I think. I limited the definition of family to this nuclear entity that really just devoured itself.

At first I felt like a failure. All th messages tell women like me, women like my mother and so many other women that we need to strive to create these “whole” families and anything that falls short is failure, worse than failure. It’s pathologized, especially if you’re a woman of color. You are seen as not being able to cut it, as deficient. “Why the hell did you have children anyway” we are asked in studies and in the stories of women who are sterilized against their will for “doing it wrong”. Hell I’ve asked myself that question. Looking at the rent that’s behind, the electric bill that three months (well now only two months) overdue, and the actual counting of pennies to figure out what we can and cannot eat this week, actually this day(porque aqui we live by the day and honestly that’s ok), I have asked myself why did I choose motherhood again? I especially ask this when I’m really broke and really frustrated with the hustle.

I am thinking about the messages I have been receiving over the past few weeks. Other mujeres struggling with the demise of their relationships with their partners and faced with the continuing development of their relationships with their children. How did I do it, I’ve been asked and I answer that I am still doing it. Everyday.

I think of la mapu, born into single motherhood in a medical birth environment and how calm she always has been, confident almost always, que no matter what shit would get taken care of. And I look at Poroto, born in a dark room in a birthing center with the help of a midwife, and how poroto always wants more, demands more. Age is mellowing her out but I also think that my own settling into a life that fits me is settling her down as well.

PS : This post was written over two and half hours and I’m ok with that. It felt damn good.

Category: la vida, mamihood | 2 Comments »
Tags: mamihood, Poroto, single mamihood 2.0

Posted By lamamitamala on January 14, 2010

Revolutionary Vehicle: The Field Trip from Alexis Gumbs on Vimeo.

Category: RWOC, WOC | No Comments »
Tags: RWOC

Posted By lamamitamala on January 13, 2010

I am really so excited to host, con la lovely Blackamazon, a School of Our Lorde Satellite Campus. Y que es the School of Our Lorde?

School of Our Lorde: Poetics, Pedagogy, Politics and Publishing

The School of Our Lorde is comprised of 4 unit sessions that allow participants to deeply engage and build on the work of Audre Lorde as transmitted through the committed (obsessive) research of Alexis Pauline Gumbs on the poetics, teaching practices, political implications and publishing interventions of Audre Lorde’s work. Participants will also get coursepacks with some exclusive and unpublished materials on/by Lorde.

Poetics: Audre Lorde is best known as a warrior poet. In February, School of Our Lorde participants will get a change to deeply engage Lorde’s poetry (with the benefit of Lex’s archival research on her revisions) and write their own poetry.

Personally this feels and is so important to me now because I never really have delved into the work of Audre Lorde in a deep way and this year I am focused on my own voice as a poeta and seek the guidance/ejemplos of the foremamis.

I’m gonna host on a month to month basis depending on people’s interest. Ideally I want to do it here in casa mala, cuz it’s easier con las nenas and pero I don’t know how peeps feel about traveling to Corona, Queens. Also Casa Mala isn’t accessible (it’s a walk up).

So NYC peeps who wants to be down? Please let me know in comments below or via email : mamitamala at gmail dot com. In your comments/email let me know if you are willing to travel to Corona, Queens, need childcare, need an accessible space, what days of the week work for you, and any other needs that I need to take into account.

I will be asking for a $5 donation per person per session so that the amazing Lex can get paid for her work and materials. Pero no one will be denied a spot due to lack of funds. Donations of refreshments and or help would be much appreciated as well

Additionally

Category: RWOC, The Mami'hood, mamihood, writing | 4 Comments »
Tags: School or Our Lorde

Posted By lamamitamala on January 8, 2010

Ask Me algo

Pero claro, the first person or peeps who ask me whack ass bullshit questions should expect whack ass bullshit answers at best…unbridled Rican aggression at worse.

Category: la vida | No Comments »
Tags: Formspring

Posted By lamamitamala on January 4, 2010

I started the new year in a very strange place, in my ex’s apartment. I really didn’t have any plans an thought it would be better than spending the new year alone with my kids, as I had the year before. Plus el chileno had come to casa mala for my Christmas Eve dinner. It was/is important to me that he spend time with poroto and vice versa. Plus Mala can’t say no to free wine.

Pero to say that it was easy or rather an uncomplicated new year would be dishonest. I think I had expectations and he did as well. With the court system out of our hair, we’ve been getting along better. We’ve been friendly, shared meals and drinks. Pero I worry that he thinks or hopes that we will get back together. It could have been the wine pero there were signs and moves that led me to believe this, and I feel bad if I opened myself to this. Lo quiero si, pero quiero estar con el and to be honest no creo that I want to be with anyone right now. I survived a year of single mami’hood revisited and now am actually quite peaceful and calm having my little apartment and having time to myself and my chicas.

But I also started the new year with expectations. I was secretly waiting for something to happen that didn’t. I understand why it didn’t happen pero that doesn’t mean it wasn’t disappointing, saddening even. Pero there’s a lesson in that and in this last year. I can accept it and roll with it.

This year I haven’t made any real resolutions. On New Year’s Eve another poet/amigo asked when I was going to publish a book, since he’s heard me reading for at least 5 years (and I’ve been writing for more). So I am going to gather poems and work on that and quizas gather my thoughts mejor on my mami’hood book. Those are the most pressing of book projects (I have multiple ones). I also want to not limit myself because I am worried about childcare and money. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that things do work out when they are supposed to and how they are supposed to. Pero there were many opportunities I didn’t take advantage of because I “knew” that I didn’t have money to travel or someone to stay with my children. Then I would feel resentful and angry when I saw other people taking those same opportunities. So I’m jumping in and trusting that what will be will and should be.

On the same track I am trying to be more creative, well rather feed my creativity on a daily basis in some way. So far I am planning collages, have started a poem, and went to a museum and today is only the 4th day of the year.

And dating. Towards the end of last year I started dating again pero besides going on dates with two people (hola cuz I know they may be reading), I also want to date myself, take myself places, hacer cosas. I have spent alot of time waiting, expecting, hoping and now I just want to do it my damn self. No mas waiting. I am open. I wouldn’t change the past and may even repeat things I have done pero I’m also ready pa’lo nuevo. Bring it.

Video found via / Ultraviolet Underground

Category: The Mami'hood, la vida, mamihood, writing | No Comments »
Tags: el chileno, la vida

Posted By lamamitamala on December 2, 2009

Finally the Christmas season. I’m not just happy because I’m a sucker for Navidad and I am. Not the Christy part so much but the lights, the food, the decorations, the music. I am a navidad puta. Pero mas que nada I can see the end of the year and beyond that the start of the new one. I need for this year to be over. I want to really bury the dead, and not just the loved ones who actually physically left my world this past year, but the dead pedazos de corazon that I invested and got little return on. I will admit I’m not quite ready. Just when I think I’m over something, my poet’s heart gets caught on something, tearing a little piece out and time and distance haven’t done what they gave me their word they would. Lots of promises were broken this year.

Last Christmas there was no navidad dinner at casa mala because of the illnesses in the familia and my split with el chileno. But this year I have Navidad dinner planned. I’m making Mexican, pero Oaxacan Mexican which I was inspired to do because of the mala’hood. It ended up being ironic because Mexico seems to be pulling many people I know to her. Pero I’m excited by the prospect of cooking, drinking, singing, and being with my familia in my casita that it has been such a struggle to stay in.

Also I’m getting a head start on the whole starting anew by dating again! Well ok, only one date pero it was such a good date that I was reminded of the cliche, you never forget how to ride a bike. Not that I rode my date….before you all get any ideas. It was just really good conversation and quizas a beso or two. Pero I had given up in many ways of trying to date. It just wasn’t a priority with trying to survive and well yes, heartbreak. Dating is hard work. I have two kids and am struggling economically and you want me to tell you what my favorite color is and shit? Please. ja ja. Pero the very good date reminded me how it’s important to connect with other adults and take time to sit with people and just talk and be yourself. And myself is pretty awesome. I’m still struggling with my heart investments and lack of money despite working 2 sometime three jobs (no cell phone right now and 6.80 in my bank account). Pero I can see the end of this year y se que en la primavera que viene, something beautiful will flower.

Category: la vida, relationships | 1 Comment »
Tags: dating, navidad